Editorial
Freedom Is Not A Circuit Party
by David Ortmann
originally appeared in The Bay Times, 6/25/98
appeared subsequently in the Bay Area Reporter, 7/2/98
Two weeks ago, I flew back to hometown New Jersey to attend a friend's wedding. Although I was tired from the flight, and not particularly in the mood for conversation, I was happy to be there supporting a friend on a day that meant so much to her. Almost from the moment I wedged myself into the nearest church pew, an older woman next to me began to rattle on and on in my general direction. Finally, she realized I was the same little boy she used to bounce on her knee and that she hadn't seen me since I was about five years old.
"You've grown into such a good-looking young man."
"Thank you."
"Where do you live now?
"San Francisco, California."
"Wow. I've never been there, but I hear it's beautiful."
"Yes, I love it."
"I can't get over how handsome you are. You must have a lot of girlfriends out there in California."
I paused for a moment. I am used to the routine. My face flushed. My heart raced. To come out or not to come out? I felt torn, but only for a moment.
I smiled and said politely, "No, I don't have a girlfriend. I'm gay."
I took a deep breath. Once again, I had done it. I felt proud to have been true to myself with honesty, power, and strength. I felt free to have expressed myself fearlessly, diplomatically, and without apology. Pride and Freedom. I had them at that moment in New Jersey and I empower myself to have them with me always.
I returned to San Francisco to find my beautiful neighborhood plastered with stickers and posters exclaiming, "Freedom is Important" and "Freedom is Coming." I was intrigued. What cool new movement was being born in my community? Imagine my chagrin when I realized the freedom propaganda was just another marketing ploy, an advertisement for yet another circuit party-a place where white gay men, with chemically enhanced faces and bodies, can do drugs and have sex with men who look just like them.
Does this sound like freedom to anyone? To me, it sounds like a different sort of prison, with more expensive uniforms.
I wonder why we limit ourselves to expressing pride in being who and what we are to only one weekend per year? And why is the focal point of that weekend a party poster with two models who look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy after a steroid binge? Are there not better ways to demonstrate our pride than by shooting speed into our veins, engaging in unsafe sex with men who look "so healthy" they couldn't possibly have HIV, spending $5000 on new clothes that show off our bodies, and wondering how long we'll have to hang out at the End Up on Sunday afternoon before we crash and burn?
And before all you circuit queens start writing to me about how much money these parties raise for AIDS charities-just think again. You may raise some money. Good. But you are simultaneously perpetuating and encouraging behavior that leads to addiction, debt, sexual disease, AIDS, and-as we saw last year-death by liposuction. So, kindly stop using AIDS fundraising as a justification for these parties. it's a cop out. Just admit you want to fuck and do drugs and shut up about it.
Do not equate it with Pride, Freedom, or political activism. for it is none of these. Finally, if you do talk about Freedom and Pride-put some substance behind it. Do something besides drink too many Martinis and walk shirtless down Market Street shouting liberation chants you neither understand nor really feel.
I am weary of my gay brothers who equate Pride and Freedom with acts of self-destructive weakness, insecurity, and fear. Is there any correlation between the fact that the man who parties the hardest, fucks the most, or has the best drugs-is also the man who refuses to come out of the job, or to his family? Is this Freedom? Is this Pride? Or is this just another silly social event designed to make us feel famous, important, and loved for one evening?
Freedom is not a circuit party.
Resist the one-day-of-the-year Pride hype.